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Boundaries

How to Implement Boundaries without Changing who you are!

How to Implement Boundaries without Changing who you are!


You are not here to save anyone or anything!

This is a topic that I have noticed showing up in private sessions with my clients, a big fear for empaths is “if I put boundaries in place I will lose what I feel is me, my need to help others, how do I do that if I have boundaries?”

When I see these themes occurring I know it’s something that more than just my clients are experiencing, so felt it was an important topic to talk about.  I would love you to consider this for yourself, when you think about putting boundaries in place, what do you feel?  Do you worry about having to change who you truly are by putting boundaries in place?

Many empaths logically know that they need to put boundaries in place but on a deep core/soul level they feel a sense of obligation and even guilt to continue to be an open door to help people.

I get this completely as this was me, I was told so many times, you need to put boundaries in place and I was like nope not doing it.  I too felt that to put boundaries in place I would need to change who I was, I am a caring and kind person, I help people, with boundaries I can’t do that……Sound familiar?

I came to a place where I no longer had a choice, I could not continue to be a door mat, to have a revolving door for people.  They would come in dump everything on me and feel so much better and then walk back out my revolving door, leaving me feeling exhausted, drained and overwhelmed.

Then the next time would come, again walk in, dump, walk out and I wouldn’t hear from them again until the next time and the next time and the next time.

I had to finally put a stop to it realising I could no longer be the door mat, and have the revolving door to these people.  Whilst it was not their fault, I had allowed them to do that, always being there for them, dropping everything every time they needed me.  Putting a stop to it was important, both for me and for them, constantly fixing things for people is not doing them any favours, it was in actual fact dis-empowering them.

boundaries

An important thing to understand is, as empaths and as sensitive souls we have an innate need within us to serve others.  We are here to help people and the thought of putting in boundaries mean I won’t be able to help them anymore and then I won’t get to feel fulfilled because I can’t do the one thing that my soul craves and that is to help and serve.

For a lot of you I know that it can feel selfish and what I learned about that personally was, if I didn’t put boundaries in place I then wouldn’t be available for anybody.  As a mum to two teenage girls, my medical warriors as I like to call them as they have both been through some pretty dire medical emergencies over the years.  They are the ones that deserve my energy more than anybody else.

Being a revolving door or a door mat meant I didn’t have the energy for the people that truly deserved it.  The people that are the most important to me, not only the ones that are there for me, but the ones that continually show up, they prove themselves over and over and over again.  They are the ones that deserved my energy.

Not the people that would come and go only when they either needed me for something or needed something from me, then they would leave and I wouldn’t hear from them again till the next time.

I then learned that I could actually be more powerful and have more influence, one because my energy was higher as I was no longer being a door mat, not been the person that they would come to and I would fix it for them or save them from something.  This was a big lesson I had to learn, I am not here to save anyone or anything.

“You are not here to save anyone or anything”

I am here as a place where people can start to unload but then find the power and healer within them so they can help themselves.  So if you can go from saying I am here to help people, to save people or to fix people to I am here to empower people.  You will have so much more influence on people, the people in your life and people you don’t even know, you are going to have more power in that, more influence in that if you choose to work to empower them.

I’m not going to save them, I am not going to fix it for them, I am not going to do it for them, I am going to empower them to do it for themselves.

They are then going to be able to go on in their life been able to take care of themselves, empower themselves and be more independent.  It was a time of reminding myself by saying “Nicole remember where your power is, remember your power is within empowering them to do it for themselves, in holding the space for them to find all they need within them”.

As empaths and sensitive souls we do that very well, I am sure you have noticed in your life that people, strangers even come up and just unload, telling you their life story and usually without any prompting.  That is because that is your power,  your power to allow people to feel like you are their safe space to finally let go of what they have been carrying around.

The mistake we tend to make and I made it very early on as well, is that we don’t feel like that is enough.  How is just listening enough, I have to do something about this, and that is a human need, feeling we need to fix it and make it better.

But if we can start to understand just how powerful that is, just listening.  If you have ever had an experience where someone just listens to you, not listening to respond but really listening to hear you, focusing wholly on you, not distracted by anything else, you would know just how impactful that is.

That is the gift you give to other people, just listening, focusing on them and them only and that in itself is enough, you are enough.  You don’t have to do anything else, you don’t have to fix anything and you don’t have to have all the answers.

boundaries

I know when I first started in my Counsellor studies that was my biggest fear, that I wouldn’t know the answers, what the right advice to give would be.  The first thing my teacher said to me was “being a Counsellor is never about giving advice, we don’t give advice, we help our clients to find the answers for themselves”, boy was that a huge weight off my shoulders.

It is the same for you, you don’t need to have all the answers, you just need to listen and care and as an Empath my love, you have that in the bag.

Now within that an important point and something I really want you to understand is, the process is:

  1. You listen
  2. Allow them to release what they need to let go of
  3. You also let it go, you do not absorb it, you do not carry it

As empaths we can have a bad habit of feeling that if someone is sharing it with me then that must mean I am supposed to carry it, or I am strong enough to carry it.  No, that is not the reason, the reason is like I said before you are the safe place for them to unload, not to absorb and not to carry.

An analogy for you:  When you are going on a trip and you take your bags to the departure desk at the airport, you don’t give the bag to the customer service officer do you, you put it on the conveyor belt.  The person serving you and getting you booked in, isn’t going to then carry your bags for you, are they?  Of course not they are just the safe place for your bags to go, knowing that they are in the right place and will be boarded onto the plane.

It is the same for you when people unload, it’s not because they want you to carry it, it’s because they just need to stop carrying it themselves.  So you allow them to unload and as I said that is a huge service you are providing right there and then you allow the baggage to be on its way.

Remembering:

  • You are not fixing
  • You are not saving
  • You are not giving advice
  • You are not absorbing

You are allowing that person to feel freer, to feel lighter, to feel heard and to feel understood and that is such a powerful gift you can give to people.

Now to bring all of this back around to the idea of boundaries, you are going to see that implementing boundaries is actually two fold:

  1. We are implementing those boundaries so people don’t feel that they can walk all over us, or they can’t take up all of our time.  They need to start to respect us and respect our time.
  2. It is also a boundary for yourself, you also do not step over that line.  You hold the space for them, but you do not absorb and you do not step over that line into their energy field and try to fix or save them.

I hope you can start to see that if we do it in that way, that we are not changing who we are, we are still the same person you don’t have to be different.  You don’t have to stop being who you are or fulfilling that innate need of wanting to help people.  It is changing what helping people means, changing what serving people means.

It is changing what helping and serving people means.

What you are now doing is just holding that container, that allows people to feel safe in unloading and letting go of what is just too damn heavy to continue carrying around, emptying it into the container, you are closing the lid and then its done.

boundaries

Instead of being completely open and having no boundaries and allowing them to step over that, then feeling they are telling me this, so it must be my job to fix it.  It must be my job to save them, NO it is not!

If you continue to do that, continue to not have any boundaries, continue to be the person that fixes everything for people or having to save people all of the time.  You are actually doing them a dis-service, we are all here to have our lessons, for our soul to grow but if you are continually going out of your way to fix and save people you are removing that opportunity of growth for them.

If you can think about it in that way, that by putting these boundaries in place I am actually helping them, I am empowering them for learning and growth the boundaries will no longer feel like you are doing something wrong or being selfish.

You are not losing your ability to help people, you are helping them in a different way.

You are going to help them to grow and a great example of this is when our kids start to grow, when they are little you are leading them along their path but as they become older, teenagers and young adults its time for us to step off their path and walk along side them.

Another great way to look at boundaries from an empowered place is to look at the role of our guardian angels, if you have been with me for a while you will know that your guardian angel can not step in and help you unless you ask aka boundaries.  So if you start to see yourself as an Earth Angel just walking along side people, guiding and helping them without stepping over yours and their boundaries, you are going to be one powerful earthly being.

Put your boundaries in place, Be their Guide and watch both yours and their lights start to shine like never before.

If you are having trouble putting your boundaries in place and are noticing you are feeling guilty or selfish and left feeling exhausted, drained and overwhelmed. I can help you to heal those emotions and allow you to become that powerful earthly being.  Click here to book your appointment.


Nicole Ivens | Empath Counsellor

The Three Ingredients you need to let go

The Three Ingredients You Need to Let Go

The Three Ingredients You Need to Let Go

The three ingredients you need to let go

I am sure you have been told time and time again “you just need to let go”, I know I have heard those words more times than I care to count.

It may also have been worded in such a way that made you feel there was something wrong with you, like “you need to get over it” or “build a bridge” is another one I have heard.

Now if you are anything like me you may have been left feeling unheard, misunderstood and maybe even a nuisance to those around you.

I am here to tell you with the assistance of Archangel Azrael, there is a process to letting go and there are certain things that need to happen before you can “just let go”.

Archangel Azrael

On the podcast alongside the three ingredients you need to let go, the difference between walking away and letting go, I also share my very own personal experience of letting go of a 20 year relationship. Click below to listen.

 

Let’s talk about the three ingredients that you need to let go:

1.Heal 2.Grow 3.Let Go

So as you can see the process of letting go isn’t as easy or simple as people in your life and influence may have made out.

To ever have a hope of letting go of something that has caused you pain in some shape or form, you need to take the time to heal.

If you think about a physical injury, one that can be seen by the naked eye, are you ever told to get over it or let it go?  Of course not, because they can see the pain.

Emotional pain like chronic pain and invisible illnesses that can’t be seen by the naked eye, it can cause people to want you to just move on.

Now the kicker here is something that I really want you to understand, this isn’t about you.  This is about them and the uncomfortable feeling they are experiencing in not being able to soothe your hurt, to make you feel better to heal you.

So now you understand that part is not about you, lets chat about the part that is……the healing is your part, your responsibility.  Its giving yourself the time to heal, to work through the pain you have experienced and able to integrate it into your experience, where it no longer causes you pain in the present.

Note: This isn’t about letting anyone but yourself off the hook.

Through this process of healing you won’t have a choice but to grow, as you heal from the experience you are going to grow, you are going to learn things about yourself that you didn’t know before – aka growth.

One of the biggest parts of being on Earth at this time is for your soul to learn lessons and for the most part unfortunately those lessons come with pain.  Your role is to move through the experience, heal what you went through, take the lesson and then yes then and only then are you ready to let go.

These three ingredients are your key to starting to let go of things, people and experiences that have caused you pain and are still carrying it around.  Pain is heavy, whether that is physical or emotional, it is exhausting.

If you are ready to heal, grow and let go then its time for you to book your free call.  You can book it right here and I will share with you how I can support you as you start on your healing journey and let go of all of that pain that is weighing you down and leaving you feeling exhausted.


Nicole Ivens | Empath Counsellor

surrender

Surrender your Stranglehold on the Universe

“All we have is this moment, yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to arrive”

 

Surrender

The attempt and effort to control each moment is an exercise in futility, there are way too many forces at play at any given moment to have full control over anything.  As you do make this attempt instead of gaining the outcome you are looking for, you are in actual fact, cutting off the flow from the Universe.

 

Surrendering to each and every moment, releases anxiety and worry, in this moment you can breathe.  You can handle this moment!  Surrendering is letting go of control, relinquishing the idea that all you have is your own power that there is no-one else.

You can handle this moment! 

In a place of control you are cutting off the power of the universe, a stranglehold on your life and then wondering why it’s not working out how you envisioned.  It reminds me of a saying:

“If you love something, let it go and if it returns, it is yours forever”

surrender

Whilst surrendering and letting go is frightening, the immense relief you will feel is more than worth the moment of fear.  Remember as a child you didn’t have to worry how things happened,  you could rely on a bigger power – Your Parents.

It is no different now, there is a bigger infinite power at play – The Universe.  You just need to trust in her, like you trusted in your parents to never lead you astray.

When we are continuously worrying about things, whether it’s about what has been or what has yet to come, it’s like we are really putting a stranglehold on the Universe.  Not allowing it to flow through us because we are strangling it, strangling it with worry, strangling it with anxiety and strangling it with stress.

If we can surrender to the current moment, surrender to right now that is like us just releasing that stranglehold.  It is allowing us to really trust in the Universe, trusting that she knows what we need in each and every moment, trusting that she will provide for us in each and every moment, financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Providing us with everything we need in each and every moment, imagine living from that place, how different would your life look if you did that?  If you just surrendered, surrendered to each moment, not worrying about what has been, not worrying about what is yet to come, just surrender to NOW.

Having unwavering faith and unwavering trust, that everything you need is going to flow to you.  In actual fact what we have been doing by having the stranglehold is not allowing those things to flow to us, we are really putting a kink in it, making it extremely hard for information, guidance and physical items to flow through to us.

Just like when you put a kink in a hose, the water just stops flowing doesn’t it, there is no where for it to go, it certainly can’t flow through to the end of the hose.

surrender

 

All the Universe wants is to flow through you, your source is infinite, so you are infinite.  We are all connected, so if we can allow ourselves to be in the present moment to surrender to that, to lean in to that then things are going to flow with so much ease.  There won’t be that constriction, there won’t be that kink, it is just going to flow very easily.

“Have unwavering faith and unwavering trust, that everything you need is going to flow to you”

Take on the challenge of surrendering to each and every moment, letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.  How much will you surrender to the current moment?

To feel supported as you learn to live in this new way, our Mystical Membership is the perfect place for you to start to explore, Your Way and Your Path.  You can learn more here.

The Traits of an Empath

The Traits of an Empath

The Traits of an Empath

Have you ever wondered why you feel different to those around you?

Noticing that you experience the world in a different way, feel more sensitive to the energy of your environment and people around you, well you may in fact like me be an Empath.  I am going to take you through 27 different traits of an empath that will explain to you why you feel they way you do.

 

1. Knowing

Have you felt like you just know things without being told?  You just know something when you probably shouldn’t know it, and I feel this goes even deeper than intuition, it is just a real knowingness, deep in your core.  Coming from our ability to sense energy and being highly attuned.

2. Being in public places can be overwhelming

This is a big one for empaths, it can feel so overwhelming.  When you think about going shopping, attending sports event or concert, you feel all the energies coming at you at once.  This can feel so overwhelming and confusing, as  you have so many different energies and emotions coming at you.  You may find yourself feeling extremely tired and exhausted after only a short time in the space of other people and energy.

3. Feeling the emotions of others

You feel how other people are feeling and this can lead to confusion once again because it can be hard to determine and differentiate between your own feelings and those of other people that you are picking up.  You are absorbing the emotions of others and thinking that they belong to you, so think about a time where you have really noticed your mood change for no apparent reason.  This is due to you absorbing the emotion of another person and taking it on as your own.

4. Watching violence on TV

This one affects me as an Empath on quite a deep level.  Have you noticed when you are watching TV, it may be the news or just a drama, thriller or horror movie and start to feel the affects of what the actor is experiencing.  This is another sign that you are an Empath, as you are literally soaking up the emotions of the person on the TV be that real or fiction.

The traits of an empath

5. You know when someone is being dishonest

As an empath you are like a human lie-detector, you just know when someone isn’t being truthful with you, whether its a white lie or a big whopper they are trying to pull over on you.  This can be a challenging one especially in relationships, is this something that you have noticed?

6. Picking up physical symptoms off others

You may notice when you are around other people all of a sudden you notice a physical ailment, such as a headache or stomach pain or any physical pain really.  This is you absorbing the energy off others and taking on their physical pain.  This is one to be aware of and learning how to release that energy aka physical pain back to its owner.

7. Digestive disorders and lower back problems

As we pick up the energy of emotions of others, it can really cause you to suffer with these issues due to your system being weakened.  Lower back problems are connected to you being ungrounded and that’s why as an empath its super important to have a routine of keeping yourself grounded, allowing you to cope with the energies and emotions coming at you from others.

8. Always advocating for other people, especially those in need.

Empaths can sense those in need, zone in on those who are in need of your support and protection.  It really comes from our strong compassion and we can’t help but step in and help and advocate for them.

9. Others will tell you their life story

You may have noticed that people just open up to you really easily, even strangers, you may be at the supermarket and next thing you know the cashier is telling you their life story and you now probably know way more about them than you needed to.  We tend to become a dumping ground for others problems, as we are very compassionate and with our open hearts people just feel comfortable off loading on us.

10. Feeling tired and exhausted all the time

Feeling fatigue constantly comes from taking on the energy of others all the time, as an empath you are like a sponge, just soaking up all the energy around you.  This is why its so important to take time for yourself, away from others, having that quiet time and that is ok.

11. Addictive Personality

To cope with absorbing the energy of others we turn to a drug of sorts to help protect us against the pain we are experiencing, especially when we don’t know what it is they we are protecting against.  The addiction may be food (my drug of choice), alcohol, drugs or even shopping (which can be a double edged sword with shopping equaling people), each of these distracts you and protects you from all the energy and emotions coming at you.  Good news is once you learn about being a empath and learn the coping skills you can become reformed on your drug of choice, such as emotional eating for me.  I am now a recovering emotional eater.

12. Healing and Holistic Therapies resonate with you on a deep level

You may feel you radiate towards energy healing in different shapes and forms, this is all part of your path as an empath being drawn to and resonating with healing modalities that are going to support your gift as an empath.  For me I was very drawn and resonated with the Law of Attraction, oracle cards and Emotional Freedom Techniques.  What do you feel drawn to or resonate with?

13. Creative Flair

Empaths tend to express themselves in a creative way and even more than that it is an important outlet for the energy they have absorbed, as I was talking about in trait #11, this is a more healthy way of releasing energies and emotions from others.  I know sometimes when I say creative, people feel like no I am not creative at all, but the fact is, we all are in one way or another.  You have the obvious creative paths like dancing, singing, painting etc but then there are other not so obvious ways such as thinking in more creative ways about a problem, re-organising your space (empaths love this).

14. A love of nature and animals

Nature is a real solace for empaths, it is where we go to balance, ground and rejuvenate our energy.  You may notice you just feel so calm when you are in nature and whilst you’re there notice animals are attracted to you.

15. Need for alone time and solitude

As an empath it is so important to have your down time, you may notice if you don’t get alone time you start to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, confused and lost.  Taking time out is #1 important task for an empath.

16. Get bored very easily

You may notice you get bored very easily if you are not doing something that really stimulates you.  When an empath becomes un-stimulated that is when you may find yourself daydreaming or doodling and really not paying attention, not the best thing at work or school.

17. Find it hard to do things you don’t enjoy

I have noticed this one within myself, its a real struggle to do things I don’t enjoy and one of those things is small talk.  It just really doesn’t do it for me and feels like a waste of time and energy.  Have you noticed that within yourself?  Bring me a deep conversation and I’m all in, just don’t talk to me about the weather.

18. Truth is so important, a real deep core value

As empaths truth is so important, honesty for me is a top deep core value, I don’t cope well with people that are not being truthful.  As in an earlier trait #5 we know when people are being dishonest and this explains why we find this so difficult.

19. Always on the search for more knowledge, wisdom and answers

An empath is always on the search for answers and if they are not given a good explanation they have to keep searching until they feel comfortable with the answer or it resonates with them on a deep level.   As I mentioned in an earlier trait #1 when an empath has a knowingness they will search for confirmation on what they know to be true.

20. Adventure and travel is an empaths soul food

Travel, freedom and adventure is so important as an empath, we need to have a lifestyle that allows this to happen on a regular basis otherwise it can start to feel like in trait #15 no alone time, a sense of overwhelm, exhaustion and a bit like a trapped animal that wants to roam free.

21. A dislike of clutter

This is something that empaths really can’t handle, clutter, we need to have a nice clean, organised and crisp space that is cleansed of any negative energy.  I know for me I am always de-cluttering and re-organising our home and I just love that feeling when our space is clear of clutter and cleansed of any negative and stuck energy.

22. A love of daydreaming

Does this sound like you?  Finding yourself off with the fairies, daydreaming the time away.  Yes me too, my husband used to call it “she’s zoned out again”, this is a great sign that you are an empath, a love of daydreaming.

23. Great listener

As empaths our sensitivity makes us great listeners, we don’t just hear the words, but we notice the body language and of course sense the energy behind the words.  Making us great listeners and explains trait #9 why others tell us their life stories.

24. Struggle to cope with narcissism

This is something that unfortunately empaths have to deal with quite a lot, as people that have narcissistic tendencies actually seek out those that are empaths.  Yet empaths detest narcissism, so it can be a real challenge to deal with these people when they are craving you and you just want them to get out of your space and take their narcissistic energy with them.

25. Antique furniture is a no-go

Like in many of the traits above where I have talked about the absorbing of energy, this is no different, we tend to not like antique or pre-owned furniture because we feel what the previous owner was feeling when they were in contact with the furniture.  For me I also avoid library books for the same reason otherwise I am flooded with the energy and emotions of the previous reader/s.

26. Sense the energy of food

Have you noticed some foods affect your body in strange ways?  This can be a sign that you are an empath and picking up on the energy and emotion of the animal, especially if it is a meat product.  Pay attention to this and make adjustments if needed.

27. Appearing moody, shy or disconnected

Like I mentioned earlier in trait #22 my husband thinking I was zoning out, this is how we can come across due to different reasons, maybe we are daydreaming or maybe we are distancing ourselves as a form of self-protection and this can come across as us being in a bad mood, or shy or sometimes even arrogant.  A cross we bear as an empath and trying to have a balance between protecting ourselves and still being available for others.

Well done on getting to the end of our 27 traits you are an Empath!  So how many did you resonate with?  I would love to hear, you can comment below.


Nicole Ivens | Nurtured Empath Academy


 

Stress Busters For Mums

In my opinion there is one role we choose to take on as women and it is the most difficult, yet the most profound, growth provoking and fulfilling.  You got it, our role as a mother, one day all of a sudden we are responsible for this little human, with no guidelines and no rule book or manual to speak of.

Can you imagine starting a new job and being thrown in the deep end with no instructions, help or flotation devices to speak of.  Just wouldn’t happen right, hello HR we have a problem.

So of course mums experience different levels of stress throughout their child’s life, I’m just learning now with teenagers, one nearly 18, it doesn’t get better, or worry less, it’s just different.

“The older they get, the bigger the age number, the bigger the problems”

Stress Busters for Mums

 

So let’s look at some strategies aka Stress Busters For Mums to help you through some of those stressful periods as a Mum.

  1. Breathe

Breath work is very powerful in lowering your stress levels, helping you to self-regulate your emotions and then respond in a more calm manner.  Ensuring you are breathing deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Note: Shallow breathing will cause your anxiety to spike, in turn making your stress levels worse.

2. No comparing

STOP comparing yourself to other women and other mothers, even your own.  You are not them and they are not you, also they don’t have your children, they don’t know your children like you do.  You know what your children need, comparing yourself to others is only going to bring more misery and possibly trigger you in ways of self-worth and self-confidence.  You are doing your very best and that is Enough!

3. Adult Time Out

You need some time-out, time to just breathe (see strategy #1), to tend to your needs without being pulled in a thousand different directions.  Time out for you will be different for time out for me or any other woman, you do you and let others do them.  If you could take an “Adult Time Out”, what would that look like for you?

Taking a time out is not neglecting your children or your role as a mum, you are doing it for them not to them.  A calm and relaxed mum is way more fruitful for your children than an exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed mum.

4. Emotion Regulation

You are human despite you proving otherwise with your amazing skills at being in a million places at once and being everything to everyone.  So yes you have needs and you have emotions that need tending to, emotion regulation is going to help you to feel calm within the chaos that is life as a mum.  Along with the first three strategies this is important in keeping you grounded and allowing you to cope with life’s hard knocks.

EFT or Tapping is a great modality to be using to help you self-regulate (you can teach it to your kids too), its easy to learn and very effective at lowering both yours and your children’s stress levels.  In my mind a calm mum is a calm child and a calm child is a calm mum.  Check out the video below where I take you through a quick process of what EFT or Tapping is and how you can use it in your life.

 

 

I hope you enjoy trying out these stress busters for mums, I would love to hear how they work for you, comment below.  Any questions about any of these strategies, comment below or contact me here.

Nicole Ivens Holistic Counselling

I work locally with offices in Burleigh Heads & Robina and also online worldwide.  I support soulful women to cope with the ups and downs of life, releasing negative experiences and processing the grief that comes along with integrating change and embracing your new normal.   Book your free call here.

Healing Your Pain

Healing Your Pain

Life is a series of experiences, some good, some not so good.  With each experience there is a lesson that we are here to learn, lesson or not the pain that comes along with it can be hard to deal with.  In each moment you get to choose what you are going to do with that pain, you can either choose to hold on to it or you can use it as a launching pad ~ to move you forward ~ healing your pain.

Experience after Experience, layer of pain after layer of pain, you start to feel weighed down,  you start to feel lost and confused and probably don’t even know why.

It is similar to when you are watching TV and the connection isn’t working well, so you start to get static and unable to see the full picture ~ so what is happening here?

“You have lost the connection, just as layers of pain within you have caused you to lose the connection to YOU.”

healing your pain through connection

You are wondering around in a fog, probably unable to think clearly or make decisions in your life.  And it’s no wonder, who could with a faulty connection, connection to your true self, your inner self and your higher self.  They are all YOU and they are all ready and willing to assist you, once you connect back in.

Connecting back in means saying NO to the outside world, to all those tasks that you have taken on, feeling like that will help you to find your way.  Others will know better than me……I bet that thought has crossed your mind more than once.

Guess what……….no one and I mean no one knows you better than YOU, no other person here on Earth can give you what you are looking for.  That sense of connection, understanding and acceptance can only come from one place.  Yep you guessed it, YOU.

I hear you yelling, how do I do that?

Don’t worry I have your back, you know that person that is at the bottom of the pile, yep she is going to cut the line and come to the front, yes there will be some looks and maybe comments like “Hey what do you think you are doing?”.

Your response will be “Oh me, I’m putting myself first”  they may not like it at first, but as you start to value YOU, so will they.

Let’s talk about what that looks like, how do you put yourself first?  I want you to think about something that you would love to be able to do for yourself, but never have because you have allowed others needs to come first.  It can be something small like “I would love to sit and drink my coffee, instead of chugging it down as I’m running out the door”.

This is where we start, we start with just a small action that is going to show both yourself and others around you, that you matter and you value yourself and your time.

Each week, I want you to add another act that is just for you and before you know it, you will be treating yourself with the kindness that you have showed everyone else for so long.

You know the magic of this act of kindness, others will start to treat you with the same kindness, you have 1. shown them for so long and 2. you are now showing yourself.

Healing your pain

What I have learned in my own healing journey is your subconscious mind (the part of your brain that is like a super computer and stores each and every moment of your life) will only bring experiences forward that need healing when you are ready.

The great way to show you are ready, is by showing yourself love and kindness.  This alerts your subconscious mind that you are ready and willing to spend the time on healing your pain and bit by bit it will bring forward parts of you that need healing.

As you start to heal these parts of you, they then become your POWER, your Launching Pad to move forward and no longer allow your pain to dictate your life.

I offer 1-1 online sessions to support you on your healing journey, click here to book your complimentary session and learn how I can support you.

Women

Is it time to let go?

Do you feel like you are pushing a rock up a hill?

Recently, I have started to look at my life and wonder if the challenges we experience as a family with a child that has special needs are really necessary.

As women there are certain expectations put on us by society, family, friends and of course ourselves.  So, how do we meet them all without ending up hiding in the corner rocking backwards and forwards?

Where are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to do things perfectly?

I know for me I tend to look at others and feel like I should be doing things in the same way.  So, I put pressure on myself to conform to a certain way of life but due to our circumstances that is never going to work.

Are you living your life or someone else idea of how your life should look?  Having a plan for your life is great, setting goals and reaching for the stars is fantastic but it is important to ensure you are not suffering under the pressure of perfection.

There has been many times in my life where I have tried to conform and I have pushed and pushed, only to realise that plan was never for me, like putting a square in a circle shaped hole.  Have you ever felt like that?

As women its a great time to stand up and say its time to peel back the layers and find our true authentic self and only following your path and doing the things that feel right to you.

That will be different for each one of you, and you know what, that is okay.

I had a realisation this week that I stopped doing something I love to please someone else 11 years ago, 11 years ago.  What a long time to be serving others and forgetting about the most important person, ME!

I am now getting back on my path, awakening my true authentic self and letting go of anything that doesn’t feel right and yes that does include people as well.

A great time to remember some people come into your life for a short time and others for the long haul, the trick is knowing the difference and releasing those here for the short term.

Learn more about Nicole www.nicoleivens.com/about

Christmas

Where did my Christmas Spirit go?

Christmas is such a wonderful time of year, a time to spend with your family and friends.

Lots of parties, gift exchanges with family and friends, Christmas trees, Christmas decorations, Christmas lights adorning houses along each street and of course Santa Claus at each and every shopping centre.

magic of christmas

What could be the downside of all of that, it sounds like a joyful time for one and all. Maybe in a Christmas movie, but in reality the stress that all of this can cause isn’t something to be ignored. A to-do-list that is three pages long doesn’t fill me with joy, rather it fills me with dread and feelings of stress and anxiety.

So, how do I find my Christmas Spirit? I know its hidden inside of me somewhere, I just need to find it and coax it out of the corner that it has taken refuge in.

Stress during this festive season is inevitable as our responsibilities and tasks can be 10 fold on top of our normal to-do-list. On top of that we are trying to live up to the happy go lucky person we need to be as after all it is Christmas.

So how can we exude our Christmas Spirit whilst keeping all our tasks under control without feeling like our world is going to end?

Your Christmas Emotional Wellbeing Kit

  1. Manage your expectations

Our expectations can let us down, if we have a set idea of how things need to be and then for one reason or another they turn out differently this can be a sure way to send your stress levels through the roof.  Having a more relaxed idea of what is going to happen and when and then having flexibility to move and change with the flow you will find your stress levels stay low.

2. Balance your needs with your resources

When our needs outweigh the resources available this is when we can start to feel overwhelmed, so it is important to ensure that you balance your needs with the resources available before saying ‘Yes’.  Of course at this time of year we are trying to please as many people as possible, but what about yourself.  Remembering that when you say ‘Yes’ to others you are saying ‘No’ to yourself.

3. Take some time out for yourself

You don’t need to be running yourself ragged during the festive season to make it a great time, its important for yourself and for your loved ones that you take some time out to rejuvenate.  Here are some tips to rejuvenate:

a) 3 minutes deep breathing
b) Exercise (20 minute walk)
c) Meditation (as little as 5 mins will help)
d) Listening to music

4. Organisation

Organisation can really help to make the festive season a time of fun instead of stress, having a list of things that need to be done, followed by a list of things you would like to do, can really lower your stress levels as you will have a good idea of what you need to do.

5. It doesn’t have to be perfect

Some of the best experiences are those that aren’t perfect, when things go wrong and you can have laughs with your family about it over Christmas lunch/dinner.  Release the feelings of perfection and go with the flow, that is where new opportunities and experiences are at their very best.

Allow your Christmas Spirit to find its way out by releasing your stress levels and bring a sense of fun back into the festive season.

 

Need someone to talk to?  Nicole offers in-house counselling, in the comfort of your home.  Providing you with a safe space to share your story and empowering you to learn new ways to deal with the stress and anxiety that the festive season can bring.

Book your session – www.nicoleivens.com/workwithnicole

Courage

Courage is an Angel

Courage is an Angel!

What is courage exactly? Feeling the fear and doing it anyway, as a special needs mum I have had to find courage in buckets to continue day in and day out with what needs to be done.

Like an angel courage keeps you going when you normally would not have the strength or determination to keep going.  Courage supports you through the tough times and reminds you of the inner strength you have always had.

Have you ever had the question – I don’t know how you do it? I don’t have a choice this is the hand I have been dealt, so all I can do is make the most of it. Would I wish this on any other person, hell no, it is not an easy road but one I wouldn’t change. Yes you read that correctly, I wouldn’t change our life. Of course if I could take away Gabby’s seizures I definitely would, the lessons we have learned and the strength we have gained through this process called life has been amazing.

Yesterday, saw Gabby’s seizures return, partially due to her being unwell and partially to the stress our family was experiencing. I do very well in crisis situations, jumped into action put all our monitoring back in place to ensure her safety overnight, so I could get some sleep.

Now for me this is where the courage kicks in, it is in those quiet moments when everyone is OK and I have to deal with the emotional fallout of what we have experienced. Having the courage to see and feel the emotion allowing it to flow through me without the need to push it down and ignore its purpose.

Courage

I see myself as the Lioness of our family, protecting them to the ends of the world and once all is quiet I retreat and lick my wounds.

What does the word ‘Courage’ mean to you?

Written by Nicole Ivens

Nicole Ivens is an experienced Professional Counsellor, Wellness Coach and EFT Practitioner.

Nicole helps women to reduce fear and anxiety and take back control of their life by kicking fear to the kerb and getting back in the driver’s seat of their life.

Learn more about Nicole www.nicoleivens.com/meetnicole

 

Acceptance

Acceptance of my Journey

Acceptance is the first step!

I took some time out yesterday just to sit and enjoy the quiet before the school holidays commenced. The thoughts that came up for me were all around the journey we have been on as a family for the past 3 years.

Questions I pondered were why was I chosen as the girls mum and what lessons am I supposed to be learning through our experience and why does Gabby have to endure all of this?

 

Acceptance

Answers I received was both Gabby and I have been given this challenge or experience, depending on how you look at it, for a bigger reason. It is much bigger than us, there is something in it that I need to do, still working on that part.

Being open to acceptance of our journey has been the first step towards healing and finding our way through and being open to the lessons that we are to learn.  Acceptance has been very eye opening and instead of it feeling like we are saying it is okay, it has helped us to move forward despite the challenges.

The lesson I feel that is important here is that even though we have endured quite a lot and on the surface it may be hard to see what is positive, but when I really sit back and look over the past three years there is quite a lot to be grateful for.

Big one been Gabby is still with us and thriving, I have found amazing amounts of strength that were within me all along and our family is so much closer than ever before.

If you are able to step out of your experience just for a moment, what lesson is there for you to grasp?  How would your life look different if you were able to operate from a space of acceptance?

Written by Nicole Ivens

Nicole Ivens is an experienced Professional Counsellor, Wellness Coach and EFT Practitioner.

Nicole helps women to reduce fear and anxiety and take back control of their life by kicking fear to the kerb and getting back in the driver’s seat of their life.

Learn more about Nicole www.nicoleivens.com/meetnicole

 

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